MUSINGS FROM HER
MY BELLY MY GURU – 10/10/17
No I’m not pregnant
This is the home of my babies.
The cauldron in which they grew
The round curve that speaks of my visits between the realms to grow and collect my children. Some of them made it earthside. Some did not.
This belly that moves when I walk speaks of ecstasy and pain.
It is my guru. Teaching me to love beyond my culturalisation.
Asking me to look beyond the praise I was raised with.
The idolisation of the “perfect body.” I mean what even is that??
It speaks of motherhood.
The stage in which our culture would prefer I would not have visual signs of.
A culture that would congratulate me feverishly if I lost my belly quickly after giving birth so that I went back to how I was.
That I looked more like the maiden I was.
And I’ve done this.
A few times.
And this time I didn’t.
I sat with her.
This soft jelly like glorious tummy.
I sat with the hate I felt.
I listened to the horrific words that went through my thoughts. I really listened. Wow! They were mean. Really mean.
Confusing at times because I can never recall thinking these cruel thoughts about other women?
I sat with them noticing that they actually were not my thoughts but what I was taught to think by culture.
And slowly very slowly they got quieter.
As I reminded myself of the powerful beautiful being I am. That I am a creator. That life has formed within me. That this roundness was the place where the feminine resides.
That being a mother was an absolute gift.
Suddenly those words thoughts and feels lost their sting.
I saw them for what they were. Brainwashing by a culture that makes billions of dollars off me wanting to be a maiden my whole life. Period!
Why should I want to hide my place of glory.
Why would the man I love not revere the womb in which his child came from.
Unless he were under that same delusion. It’s been a journey of me being really honest with myself. An experiment of sorts. It’s been about embracing the calling of the “mother” for me.
About embracing change and difference. That throughout my journey in life I will look different a million times. The seasons and cycles of life flow through me. I am them and they are me.
Sometimes those mean thought come back and I feel that sting. I love them away.
Motherhood is a sacred journey and she should never be asked to hide herself.
May she express herself how she will through me and may I remember to give her the reverence she deserves.
OUR YOUTH, OUR TEACHERS | AN INNER CHILD JOURNEY – 18/5/2017
I wanted to share the inner child journey I took at Renew fest this year led by the amazing Robin Grille. I didn’t share on the day as I had to sit with it for a bit. Or maybe I was avoiding because I got “busy” after that and ended up with really intense hayfever, something I had a lot as a child and not as an adult. Interesting.
We were asked to choose a recurring situation that comes up between you and one of your children that you would like more understanding on.
So I chose one with my eldest.
He is choosing ways of living that are not necessarily how I would like to see him live. They are ways of life I have chosen against. Not massive, just enough to press my buttons and have reoccurring conversations and some arguments about. It brings up strong feelings in me. And I often find myself thinking about it during the night.
We were asked to feel into it. To name it and the emotions and that come with it.
I felt annoyed, angry powerless and afraid ( actually really afraid). I felt so unheard by him.
What was our self talk?
Mine fluctuated from “after all I’ve done! After all I’ve given him. I raised him to be smarter than this. I gave him a strong set of morals and now THIS is how he chooses to spend his time.” And ” Oh god I’m a bad mother and person to not be able to accept him for who he is”
Round and round it goes with slight variations just to liven things up.
Robin then asks “Is this familiar?
Where did you learn this?”
BAM!!! There I was as a child. Early primary school age.
I see many situations. Me crying my eyes out desperately wishing the adults around me would understand that school just wasn’t for me. That I just didn’t feel understood there on any level. That what they were teaching had NO relevance to the life I was here to live.
The things that interested me where NOT discussed at school by anyone. Not the kids or the adults. I wanted to research, talk and daydream about other planets, inter dimensional beings, the Loch Ness monster ( yep I was obsessed) And feelings. Why did nobody discuss feelings? I felt like I was in a bad dream for years. I wanted to learn and hear about these things because they were my world. That’s what I knew and wanted to know more about it.
My mum was a single mum and pretty dam cool I must say. She was definitely challenging the status quo back then. So I liked hanging with her. Reading her books. Shirley McClain ect ( yep I adored “Out on a Limb” at 10 years old.) and all the parenting books she had I devoured.
So it was nobody in particular that made me feel so completely powerless and infuriated that nobody could hear my inner screams. It was the culture and the times that I had chosen to be born into.
I felt afraid and anxious a lot of the time that I was going to mess up because NOTHING came naturally that I would be praised for at school. I knew it would definitely not be safe to express my true self as a few times I did, like when some kids saw me hiding in the library reading a book on UFOs, let’s just say It wasn’t pretty.
I eventually worked out how to fit in. But it came at a cost because it required I abandon my true self. And by the time I was 15 I had severe depression that was diagnosed as a hereditary chemical imbalance ( absolute bullshit) and “fixed” with drugs. While the drugs stopped my suicidal thoughts they did nothing to address the actual reason I was depressed in the first place.
Woooaaahhh I hadn’t thought about all that stuff for years.
And the feelings were so fresh!
I felt pretty emotional.
I was sure I’d left all of that behind me a long time ago?!!!
There were a few other steps like what I wished someone had done for me and a few others which were so amazing and healing.
But the clencher for me was “How can I translate that into my life now?
How does it apply to now?”
All of a sudden I could see what was happening on so many levels. Firstly my child was giving me the opportunity to heal these feelings by pressing on that spot in me. By choosing to be different. By choosing to unashamedly express who he is! By speaking out when I suggest otherwise!
That was really freaking me out. I wanted to shut him up. I wanted to protect him but from what? It was my own unresolved pain that was hidden away with in me.
I could see the correlation so strongly.
I was also able to see how as an adult this has weirdly, for better or worse, become my driving force that is only becoming stronger and stronger.
To protect and in fact celebrate children’s inner worlds. Their unique gifts fascinate me.
It’s time for me to process and release the pain so that Instead of reacting to my own unresolved feelings when he speaks, I may truly hear him and understand that he is trying to express himself. That I can respect his choices even when they differ from mine. And if I forget and I do react I know what’s happening and I can communicate an apology that comes from a place of truth.
The upside! The reason, if there’s such a thing, is that I have an unwavering passion for giving youth that don’t fit in to the existing systems and paradigms a different choice. To give the parents of these kids an understanding to what their kids might be feeling to inspire respect of all youth as equals. To introduce the idea that we are born amazing not bad. That we are born encoded with gifts to be discovered and nurtured and we the adults,are to protect and honour those gifts. Because a world where we are all living our true purpose in joy would be a very different world indeed.
I learn so much from my children about myself.
Robin Grille is exceptional. His inner child journey is simple, clear and powerful.
I’m always so amazed, no matter how many times it happens, that somehow as crazy as it sounds my children are my teachers. Like truly!!
Life is a mirror and they are mirroring what is within us and sometimes ( or a lot) we may miss the gift in that.
But on that Saturday morning I didn’t miss it. I got it!!!! Loud and clear. And even though I made myself sick avoiding facing that part of me, when I finally did I see how absolutely beautiful and gifted that little girl was. How wise she was and how she is me and Now I walk a little taller.
Deep gratitude to Robin Grille and that little girl who has waited ever so patiently to be be heard and respected. I hear you.
Now lets do what we came here to do.
RAISING YOUTH AS A FORM OF ACTIVISM – 18/10/2015
Please, please remember your worth.
feel into your heart,
and tap into the truth of just how powerful your job is as a game changer at this time in history.Can you feel it?Ooooohhh they have been so clever to down play the role of raising our youth.
But the youth are waking us up!
In the womb they whisper to our hearts,
As toddlers they stand strong in what they need,
As children their love is unbridled,
In the schools they rebel.Let us, the adults, just stop our overly busy “important” lives for just one moment, this moment, and feeeeel into what is happening here. What is being asked of us?We are the change makers being called to honour and assist the evolution of humanity.
This IS our mission.The names mum, dad, step parent, grandparent, teacher, carer are playing down the truth.
If we could consciously birth our babies in peace,
If we could raise them in love with nature and all living things,
If we could support their natural unfolding and trust that their passions are messgaes from source itself,
If we could model courage and fearlessness,
If we could love them when our conditioning tells us they deserve it least,
If we could transparently and sincerely apologise when we mess up,
If we could laugh with them everyday,
and most importantly if we could give all of this to ourselves,
Can you imagine the tidal wave of change that would wash over this planet?Can you begin to see just how important your are?
What a true activist you are?
Can you begin to imagine how much backing you have in the unseen worlds?I know how tired you get,
how busy you are,
how much you doubt yourself,
how hard you try with no thanks and zero recognition,
I see the tears you shed,
the frustration that wells up inside you,
your yearnings that go unfulfilled and unnoticed.But please, please know this,
your are deeply deeply appreciated,
you are backed 111% to create change,
You are “seen”
you are so so important,
and you have in your power the ability to create human beings that have not walked this earth for a long time.
When you are weary dear change maker take a moment to breath in the abundant energy that flows to us from the stars, the earth, the trees & plants, the water, the animals and know without a shadow of a doubt that your work as a conscious parent or carer of our next generation is some of the most important work on this planet and you are backed and loved more than you could ever imagine for a very simple reason…..IT IS TIME!
image by francehart
THE FORGOTTEN SPIRITUALITY OF LEARNING – 27/7/2015
“There is a dance that only you know how to do.”
Do you remember your dance?
Or were you told it was wrong, perhaps a little too wild?
Did you spend your childhood cultivating, refining, laughing, playing with and getting to know your dance? Or were you too busy memorising the dances other told you were the “right” ones to learn?
When thinking of your dance, does it ignite something within you? Does it make your eyes ablaze with passion? Do you want to ACT just to bring this to the physical plain?
Or do you look for those feelings in others, perhaps on TV? Getting a slight hit of their passion, but deep down wishing you could create your own?
I wonder how many of us feel these things?
How many of us in our heart of hearts don’t intimately know ourselves and have stopped believing in the precious and unique dance living inside ourselves? My guess is most of us.
Why? How can we change that? How can we remember?
Heres how I see Planet Earth.
Imagine a beautiful, delicate tapestry that is ever evolving, wanting to keep recreating itself into a more and more beautiful existence. That each and every form on Earth is a thread of this. All perfect, unique and individual and together they create the whole image. It is important that each thread is different so they bring their part of the image to life.
Imagine if they all looked the same?
Each thread plays an important part of creating beauty…… and balance.
Can you see where I am going with this?
Today as a society we fill to the brim (from a heartbreakingly early age) our childrens’ lives with institutions and situations to teach them how to be. We have forgotten the very fundamental foundation of being human…that each and every last one of us is encoded with an important gift to the world. It is our magic. It is our medicine. It is what brings us alive! It is our responsibility to bring it to the physical realms from our dreams. To cultivate it, seek out facilitators and mentors to guide and inspire us and to always do the same for others seeking your wisdom. To pull your weight. To BE what you are here to be!
THIS I believe should be what any form of learning is based upon. BRINGING OUT WHAT IS WITHIN.
We are taught from the beginning that what is within is not important, wrong or something to be ashamed of. Shame is what keeps so many adults locked into a life that lacks vital force, vibrancy and doesn’t fully reflect our inner most gifts. It is no mystery really as to why this is….
We are told as children: when to eat, what to eat, where to play, when to play, if or if not what we choose to play is safe, when to be creative, how to write, what to read, a history that isn’t relevant to us and isn’t entirely true, whether we are good at something (even though we didn’t request an opinion), whether we are good enough to continue (regardless of whether we enjoy it or not), when to sleep, when to wake, what to wear, how to wear our hair, to wear shoes, to be afraid, to have “good” manners, that the “wild” woods are unsafe, not to run on cement, to not get dirty, to be “good”, bla bla blaaaa the list goes on!!!
What part of any of that reflects or nurtures our individuality? What part of any of that teaches us that we can trust ourselves?
“TRUST CHILDREN. Nothing could be more simple or more difficult. Difficult because to trust children we must first trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.” ~ John Holt
Each day there are so many opportunities to encourage our children’s inner trust. Feed a baby when she is hungry, instead of on a schedule. Trust his instincts when he wants to sleep with you and not in a dark room on his own. Facilitate your child’s own interests and passions. Be the one who says “Go for it!” If they want to wear board-shorts on a cold day, let them. We can have no idea how they feel or what the underlying reason is. Only hindsight grants us that wisdom.
Let them form their own deep relationship with mother nature, the very essence and material they are made of. Let them make mistakes. And where possible start this when they are young, when you are around to silently hold space for them to correct themselves. Even more importantly, notice what goes on inside yourself as you allow your child to learn naturally. Hear the inner voices but don’t react from them.
This is where the “spiritual journey of the parent” really kicks in!
Notice what comes up for YOU and own it.
I wonder how often we ask children to alter what they are choosing so that WE feel more comfortable, when instead we could simply sit with our discomfort and be the learner rather than the governor of someone else’s ability to choose? In the end the whole idea that children are the “learners” and that adults “know” seems preposterous!! This deeply engrained belief is the cornerstone of self doubt in many of us, and then slowly but surely our own dance fades away.
BUT……It never ever dies completely!!!!!
Please, please, parents and adults of the world remember your dance!
The Earth is waiting!!!
Find the courage to live it….little step by little step. Each step enlivens you and brings your gifts into the physical tapestry of life.
Each child who sees you living your passions courageously, despite your fears will do the same. When they watch you ACT from your heart in the face of adversity, they will do the same. When they watch you feel into your hardships, release, cry and then transmute them, they will do the same. When they see you laugh loudly, dance wildly and act from integrity, they will do the same.
And my god, can you imagine what a world we could create!!!
“OH IT’S JUST YOUR HORMONES”….OR IS IT A POWERFUL MEDICINE? – 19/7/2015
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