I wanted to share the inner child journey I took at Renew fest this year led by the amazing Robin Grille. I didn’t share on the day as I had to sit with it for a bit. Or maybe I was avoiding because I got “busy” after that and ended up with really intense hayfever, something I had a lot as a child and not as an adult. Interesting.

We were asked to choose a recurring situation that comes up between you and one of your children that you would like more understanding on.

So I chose one with my eldest.

He is choosing ways of living that are not necessarily how I would like to see him live. They are ways of life I have chosen against. Not massive, just enough to press my buttons and have reoccurring conversations and some arguments about. It brings up strong feelings in me. And I often find myself thinking about it during the night.

We were asked to feel into it. To name it and the emotions and that come with it.

I felt annoyed, angry powerless and afraid ( actually really afraid). I felt so unheard by him.

What was our self talk?

Mine fluctuated from “after all I’ve done! After all I’ve given him. I raised him to be smarter than this. I gave him a strong set of morals and now THIS is how he chooses to spend his time.” And ” Oh god I’m a bad mother and person to not be able to accept him for who he is”

Round and round it goes with slight variations just to liven things up.

Robin then asks “Is this familiar?

Where did you learn this?”

BAM!!! There I was as a child. Early primary school age.

I see many situations. Me crying my eyes out desperately wishing the adults around me would understand that school just wasn’t for me. That I just didn’t feel understood there on any level. That what they were teaching had NO relevance to the life I was here to live.

The things that interested me where NOT discussed at school by anyone. Not the kids or the adults. I wanted to research, talk and daydream about other planets, inter dimensional beings, the Loch Ness monster ( yep I was obsessed) And feelings. Why did nobody discuss feelings? I felt like I was in a bad dream for years. I wanted to learn and hear about these things because they were my world. That’s what I knew and wanted to know more about it.

My mum was a single mum and pretty damn cool I must say. She was definitely challenging the status quo back then. So I liked hanging with her. Reading her books. Shirley McClain ect ( yep I adored “Out on a Limb” at 10 years old.) and all the parenting books she had I devoured.

So it was nobody in particular that made me feel so completely powerless and infuriated that nobody could hear my inner screams. It was the culture and the times that I had chosen to be born into.

I felt afraid and anxious a lot of the time that I was going to mess up because NOTHING came naturally that I would be praised for at school. I knew it would definitely not be safe to express my true self as a few times I did, like when some kids saw me hiding in the library reading a book on UFOs, let’s just say It wasn’t pretty.

I eventually worked out how to fit in. But it came at a cost because it required I abandon my true self. And by the time I was 15 I had severe depression that was diagnosed as a hereditary chemical imbalance ( absolute bullshit) and “fixed” with drugs. While the drugs stopped my suicidal thoughts they did nothing to address the actual reason I was depressed in the first place.

Woooaaahhh I hadn’t thought about all that stuff for years.

And the feelings were so fresh!

I felt pretty emotional.

I was sure I’d left all of that behind me a long time ago?!!!

There were a few other steps like what I wished someone had done for me and a few others which were so amazing and healing.

But the clencher for me was “How can I translate that into my life now?

How does it apply to now?”

All of a sudden I could see what was happening on so many levels. Firstly my child was giving me the opportunity to heal these feelings by pressing on that spot in me. By choosing to be different. By choosing to unashamedly express who he is! By speaking out when I suggest otherwise!

That was really freaking me out. I wanted to shut him up. I wanted to protect him but from what? It was my own unresolved pain that was hidden away with in me.

I could see the correlation so strongly.

I was also able to see how as an adult this has weirdly, for better or worse, become my driving force that is only becoming stronger and stronger.

To protect and in fact celebrate children’s inner worlds. Their unique gifts fascinate me.

It’s time for me to process and release the pain so that Instead of reacting to my own unresolved feelings when he speaks, I may truly hear him and understand that he is trying to express himself. That I can respect his choices even when they differ from mine. And if I forget and I do react I know what’s happening and I can communicate an apology that comes from a place of truth.

The upside! The reason, if there’s such a thing, is that I have an unwavering passion for giving youth that don’t fit in to the existing systems and paradigms a different choice. To give the parents of these kids an understanding to what their kids might be feeling to inspire respect of all youth as equals. To introduce the idea that we are born amazing not bad. That we are born encoded with gifts to be discovered and nurtured and we the adults,are to protect and honour those gifts. Because a world where we are all living our true purpose in joy would be a very different world indeed.

I learn so much from my children about myself.

Robin Grille is exceptional. His inner child journey is simple, clear and powerful.

I’m always so amazed, no matter how many times it happens, that somehow as crazy as it sounds my children are my teachers. Like truly!!

Life is a mirror and they are mirroring what is within us and sometimes ( or a lot) we may miss the gift in that.

But on that Saturday morning I didn’t miss it. I got it!!!! Loud and clear. And even though I made myself sick avoiding facing that part of me, when I finally did I see how absolutely beautiful and gifted that little girl was. How wise she was and how she is me and Now I walk a little taller.

Deep gratitude to Robin Grille and that little girl who has waited ever so patiently to be be heard and respected. I hear you.

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